Damn average!

I was brought up with the thought that I am average! In the children’s home where I lived and in the schools I attended I was never the worst, never the best. I was just good; a person that people didn’t talk about much. For many years I just accepted this and didn’t try to change anything. I was told that I wasn’t good enough to go to the gymnasium (academic school), or to take part in the lessons for the more able students (which I was very keen to do). Neither was I good enough to join the sports club (I liked basketball… and still do).

You would hardly believe now how very shy and closed I was; I didn’t talk at all. As you would probably guess my self-confidence was well below average.

Over the last few years I have been learning to appreciate myself. I started to believe that I was worthy. I succeeded in gaining a scholarship to go to university. I was very proud about that even though later I needed to quit before I could finish my degree. From my 18th birthday I had to take care of my self alone, and when I was able I tried to take care of others as well.

I gradually changed into a very open and sincere person, which got me into trouble many times. However, I began to think that I was doing well!

Recently something happened that shook my confidence and reminded me of the beginning again. It made me realise that maybe whatever I do I will be just average…but I still don’t know how to cope with this.

This is the story of my life - I am good at table tennis but never the winner, good with people but never the leader, clever but still without a diploma…

Martin said that at some point in my life I will find the things at which I am very good, because everybody does eventually. I consider myself optimistic so I will just say that I hope I will.

At one time I wanted to know my IQ, just because I was curious, but I was never able to take the tests. Now I see that it is maybe better for me that I don’t know!