Damn average!

I was brought up with the thought that I am average! In the children’s home where I lived and in the schools I attended I was never the worst, never the best. I was just good; a person that people didn’t talk about much. For many years I just accepted this and didn’t try to change anything. I was told that I wasn’t good enough to go to the gymnasium (academic school), or to take part in the lessons for the more able students (which I was very keen to do). Neither was I good enough to join the sports club (I liked basketball… and still do).

You would hardly believe now how very shy and closed I was; I didn’t talk at all. As you would probably guess my self-confidence was well below average.

Over the last few years I have been learning to appreciate myself. I started to believe that I was worthy. I succeeded in gaining a scholarship to go to university. I was very proud about that even though later I needed to quit before I could finish my degree. From my 18th birthday I had to take care of my self alone, and when I was able I tried to take care of others as well.

I gradually changed into a very open and sincere person, which got me into trouble many times. However, I began to think that I was doing well!

Recently something happened that shook my confidence and reminded me of the beginning again. It made me realise that maybe whatever I do I will be just average…but I still don’t know how to cope with this.

This is the story of my life - I am good at table tennis but never the winner, good with people but never the leader, clever but still without a diploma…

Martin said that at some point in my life I will find the things at which I am very good, because everybody does eventually. I consider myself optimistic so I will just say that I hope I will.

At one time I wanted to know my IQ, just because I was curious, but I was never able to take the tests. Now I see that it is maybe better for me that I don’t know!

Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose!

Some people here whom I meet weekly regularly ask the question “Did you have a good week?” and often instead of goodbye they say “Have a good week!”

Until now I thought that I had fallen into a routine. Nothing new happens and it is not a nice feeling for a 23 year old girl living without excitement, the same thing every day. It can be depressing. But luckily I can say that last week was very good in many ways.

First I beat Martin at chess. Believe me that is such a big success and a good feeling because he is mathematician and very good at chess. All this helped to boost my ego. So bravo me!

Then I had the chance to get to know my fellow worker Torgeir better. We spent more time together and I really enjoyed it. It is good for both of us because we are in the same situation and it helps to have somebody to share things with. What I like most about him is that he is closer to my culture and he says how he feels and doesn’t try to be nice just to avoid offending me. So he is for me in many ways a relief.

Torgeir pretends to be a tough guy (He think Bruce Willis is a cool guy – Die Hard!?) but he really likes my hugs!

And the icing on the cake! My family treated me to a weekend in Paris! This was extremely nice.

Photos below - finally I was in a city that I knew just from movies and books!

Those who know me well know that travel and chocolate are my favourite things.
Many asked how it was and what I did. I feel like I don’t know what to say. I didn’t go into the Louvre because I am not an artistic type; I don’t fancy looking for hours at pictures and sculpture nor did I go to the top of the Eiffel tower this time - but this was just because we were short of time and also Martin doesn’t have a head for heights. But I like panoramic views and I will go there next year with my Norwegian fellow workers so that I will not miss it. Instead we did a lot of walking and chatting. For me this made for a good relaxing weekend!

One day Andy stayed with us. It was good to have him around but the trouble is that he is always busy. I’m still not sure whether this is because girls are chasing him or because he is an IT expert! Look at this! What a view! I don’t know what Paradise looks like but for sure lying on a beach sounds perfect!

I also had a typical girl’s moment in Paris – shopping troubles! Terrible!!! I saw some boots but they cost quite a lot and I wasn’t sure if I would have the guts to wear them because I am always in casual gear. I could have sat for hours in that department store and still not have decided, but fortunately we didn’t have a lot of time so I decided to buy them at the last minute. My family paid part as my Christmas present so in the end they were not so expensive. Kind of them! Thanks!

Here you are. I am showing my Croatian politeness to British people in a crowded Parisian Department store.

But as you know it can’t always be perfect! When I left Britain it went smoothly but when I came back they treated me as I am a state enemy no.1. All this checking of my passport and questions, as if my visa was not valid. It seems as if they have problems trusting people! My stay was approved by the British consul. He was a nice man and I am sure that he would be offended if he knew about this. :))

Last time when I was on my way back from Croatia a lady from the immigration office asked me what I doing in Britain and I explained. Then she asked how I would benefit from being a volunteer and it was on the tip of my tongue to say that my real intention was to marry a British chap and stay here forever. Luckily I am cleverer than that so in order to spare myself more inconvenience I said that I just wanted to do volunteer work.
If they were as cautious with all passengers no matter where they came from maybe no bad things would ever happen!?

After all this I am still answering “Yes, I had a good week”. But I know that things are changing and with blisters on my feet and a smile on my face I have broken the routine.